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MAGIC




Friends Furever


In what just might be one of the most adorable ads of all time Android presents us with “Friends Furever”. The simple message behind this wonderful Android operating system advert is “Be Together. Not the Same.”

 



Dancing


James Cagney and Bob Hope at a Friar's Club Meeting back when actors were real tperformers. Bob Hope was 52 and James Cagney was 56. The year was 1955.



Wedding Dance Magic!


A beautiful bride and her groom put on a first wedding dance for their guests that is truly magical to watch. The bride is Jillian Sipkins who happens to be a photographer and the groom is Magician Justin Willman. It does appear that Jillian has truly put a spell on Justin.



Grocery Store Opera


A routine day of shopping for groceries at John Lewis Foodhall from Waitrose turned into a grocery store opera when five singers performed a rousing rendition of the Italian classic Funiculì, Funiculà.



Helpful Jack Russell!


Helpful Jack Russell!



People are Awsome!


For the August 2015 Edition of People Are Awesome: Best Of The Month they have teamed up with trick shot legends How Ridiculous to show us mind blowing basketball, football, bowling and tennis trick shots. The skills that these awesome people have perfected are always amazing to watch.

 



Elderly Couple's Honeymoon Song


Try not to shed a tear as George Younce sings “Side By Side” a deeply moving love story about an elderly couple’s honeymoon



Funny men in coats


A funny video of the hit comedy act Men in Coats from the 2003 Melbourne International Comedy Festival Gala. Men In Coats was created by Michael Dow and their funny comedy routine jumped onto the British Stand up Circuit in 1999 by winning Hackney Empire’s New Act of the Year followed by a sell out in their first Edinburgh run.



The Frontier Doctor


Doctors were few and far between in the old west so if you were injured it was really important to know a good frontier doctor. If you were in serious pain then you would be thankful for something to drink to relieve the pain and just hope the doctor had left some in the bottle.



Brian Surgeon


Dean Martin is minding his own business in a bar when he meets a brain surgeon played by Foster Brooks. Being a brain surgeon is a stressful and complicated job so it’s imperative that the surgeon be fully relaxed before heading off to the hospital. Dean does his best to help the brain surgeon but even he can’t keep from laughing at this situation.

 

 



Beer Bottle Boys




Why Women are Different from Men


A funny and interesting look at women and men’s relationships and Why Woman Are Different From Men and vice versa from inspirational speaker Amanda Gore. Amanda is a physiotherapist with a major in psychology, and a master practitioner of neurolinguistics. A professional speaker and motivator, she is an expert on leadership, communication, relationships, lifestyle and stress.



Dogs are better than cats!


Everyone knows that dogs are considered to be man’s best friend which has had cats in an uproar for quite some time. Here’s a funny look at why dogs are better than cats!

 



The Jovers


The Jovers were a husband and wife funny vaudeville-style act that is wonderfully entertaining as it’s witty and Fe Jover’s laugh is contagious. In this clip they are performing live at the MGM in Reno in 1980. Fe is now 83 and lives with her daughter as her husband passed away a short time ago.



BEST CARD TRICK EVER!!


The Best Card Trick Ever performed by James Galea at The 2009 Melbourne International Comedy Festival Gala. This is a really cool card trick and I love how smoothly he pulled it off. I’m sure there’s an easy explanation to how he did this card trick but to me it doesn’t matter as I simply like the comedy style magic performance.



TALKING DOGS DINNER PARTY


Some sharply dressed talking dogs get together for a dinner party in this entertaining dog video that animal lovers are sure to enjoy watching.



19 Badass Cats


Prepare to be amazed by these 19 Cats Who Are Totally Badass. These cats obviously know they have 9 Lives and aren’t afraid to use a few of them to make a stand. Any cat or dog that stands it’s ground against a bear is pretty tough and deserves a badge of courage that hopefully isn’t red for their valiant actions.



The Magic Door!


These people’s reactions to The Magic Door that was placed in a park are hilarious to watch. Some people are truly stunned by the disappearing act they have just witness while others are so freaked out they just walk away as quickly as possible.



The Gas Man cometh!!


The gas man cometh!



Permission toBoard?


A hungry sea lion off the coast of Mexico asks for Permission To Board this fishing vessel and it is granted. The chartered fishing boat encountered this well behaved sea lion while fishing from Cabo San Lucas. Sea Lions are unpredictable and can sometimes behave rudely when welcomed aboard a boat but rather than being a pirate and walking the plank this guys manners earned him a nice fish treat.



The Best Wedding Photographer Ever!


The Best Wedding Photographer Ever!

 

 

 



Newfie Banking


A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans

officer. He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business  for

two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

 

However, he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer

told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the

Newfie handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.

 

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Newfie

produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as

collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

 

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Newfie for using a

$250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank

then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

 

Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the

interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,

and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little

puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a

multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'

 

The Newfie replied: 'Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and

expect it to be there when I return?'

 

Ah, Newfies...... See! Salt Fish is good for the brain.

.

 



Subject: Why Teachers Drink - Brilliant !!!!


This is just too incredible not to pass on !!

 

 The following questions were set in last year's GED examination.  These are genuine answers (from 16-year-olds).  They  will be voting in a few years!!

 

Q. Name the four seasons

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

 

Q. How is dew formed

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

 

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

 

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

 

Q. What are steroids

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

    (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)

 

Q. What happens to your body as you age

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

 

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

 

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes

A. Premature death

 

Q. What is artificial insemination

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

 

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour

A. Keep it in the cow

    (Simple, but brilliant)

 

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

 

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

 

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby

 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

    (That would work)

 

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

 

Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor.

    (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

 

Q. What is a terminal illness

A. When you are sick at the airport.

    (Irrefutable)

 

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

    (brilliant)

 

 



Some witticisms to brighten your day!


 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)<><> 

 

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt

<><> 
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><> 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><> 
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><> 
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><> 
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><> 
 
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><> 
 
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><> 
 
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><> 
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><> 
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><> 
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><> 
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name wasSHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><> 
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

<><> 
 
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><> 
 
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill
                                                                          

<><> 

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

- Phyllis Diller


 <><> 

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.




 

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.


 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 



2014 Conference on Aging




Table for one!




A cup of tea


A Cup of Tea

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2-1/2 years old.  Someone had given me a little 'tea
set' as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys.
 
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought
him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Grandma

came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of

tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing'!

Grandma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of
tea for Grandpa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a Grandma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you
the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
 
IF YOU SEND THIS ON, YOU CAN MAKE ANOTHER GRANDPARENT,

AND MAYBE A FUTURE GRANDPARENT, SMILE.



John Lewis's Supermarket - London England




Getting older!


Repairing Hearts & Getting Older 

 

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... 

"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

***********************************************

 

 

 

A distraught senior citizen

 

phoned her doctor's office.

 

"Is it true," she wanted to know,

 

"that the medication

 

you prescribed has to be taken

 

for the rest of my life?"

 

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

 

There was a moment of silence

 

before the senior lady replied,

 

"I'm wondering, then,

 

just how serious is my condition

 

because this prescription is marked

 

'NO REFILLS'."

 

***********************

 

 

 

An older gentleman was

 

on the operating table

 

awaiting surgery

 

and he insisted that his son,

 

a renowned surgeon,

 

perform the operation.

 

As he was about to get the anesthesia,

 

he asked to speak to his son.

 

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

 

"Don't be nervous, son;

 

do your best,

 

and just remember,

 

if it doesn't go well,

 

if something happens to me,

 

your mother

 

is going to come and

 

live with you and your wife...."

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Aging:

 

Eventually you will reach a point

 

when you stop lying about your age

 

and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love

 

to hear them say "you don't look that old.."

 

---------------------------------

 

 

 

The older we get,

 

the fewer things

 

seem worth waiting in line for.

 

---------------------------------

 

Some people

 

try to turn back their odometers.

 

Not me!

 

I want people to know why

 

I look this way.

 

I've traveled a long way

 

and some of the roads weren't paved.

 

********************

 

 

 

When you are dissatisfied

 

and would like to go back to youth,

 

think of Algebra.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

You know you are getting old when

 

everything either dries up or leaks.

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

One of the many things

 

no one tells you about aging

 

is that it is such a nice change

 

from being young.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Ah, being young is beautiful,

 

but being old is comfortable.

 

*********

 

 

 

First you forget names,

 

then you forget faces.

 

Then you forget to pull up your zipper....

 

it's worse when

 

you forget to pull it down.

 

````````````````

 

 

 

(And this final one especially for me,)

 

"Lord,

 

keep Your arm around my shoulder

 

and Your hand over my mouth!"

 

 

 

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . . it will!

 



"Makeover"




MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN NEWFOUNDLAND


 

We should all be Newfies!!!!

 

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN NEWFOUNDLAND

Hello, is this the Police Office? Yes. What can I do for you?'

I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there'

Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Jack's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana.

They sneer at Jack and left. 

Shortly, the phone rings at Jack's house.

'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

Newfies know how to get'er done



BRITISH NEWSPAPERS - HUMOUR


BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the Harbour-master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo) 



Best Speeding Excuse Ever!


Best Speeding Excuse Ever

"This may be us someday, or maybe we are already there!"

 

 

When asked by a young patrol officer

"Do You know you were speeding?"

This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:

"Yes, but… I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

Makes perfectly good sense to me.



NO NURSING HOME FOR ME!!


 

  • The only person, who is with us our entire life, is OURSELVES.....
  •  
  •                   NO  NURSING HOME FOR ME!!!
  •  
  •        No  nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a  Holiday Inn!
  •  
  •  
  • With the average cost for a  nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a  better way when we get old and too feeble.  I've  already checked on reservations at the Holiday  Inn.
  • For  a combined long term stay discount and senior  discount, it's $59.23 per  night.
  • Breakfast  is included, and some have happy hours in the  afternoon.
  • That  leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any  restaurant we want, or room service, laundry,  gratuities and special TV  movies.
  • Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
  • Most  have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free  shampoo and soap.
  • $5  worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff
  • scrambling to help you.
  • They treat you like a customer, not a  patient.
  • There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride  free.
  • The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a  decent limp).
  • To meet other nice people, call a church bus on  Sundays.
  • For  a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus  and eat at one of the nice restaurants  there.
  • While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the  cash keeps building up.
  •  
  • It takes months to get into decent  nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your  reservation today.
  • And  you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can  move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to  city.
  • Want  to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there  too.
  • TV  broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress  replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and  apologize for the  inconvenience.
  •  
  • The Inn has a night security person and daily room  service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If  not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the  undertaker.
  • If  you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the  hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for  the rest of your life.
  •  
  •  
  • And no worries about visits from family. They will  always be glad to find you, and probably check in  for a few days  mini-vacation.
  •  
  • The  grandkids can use the pool.
  • What more could I ask for?
  •  
  • So, when I reach that golden age,  I'll face it with a grin.

AIDS  WARNING!

 

To  all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and  past, this is especially for  you......

SENIOR  CITIZENS

ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS  OF AIDS!

 

HEARING AIDS

 

BAND AIDS

 

ROLL AIDS

 

WALKING AIDS

 

MEDICAL AIDS

 

GOVERNMENT AIDS

 

MOST OF ALL,

 

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

 

Not forgetting  HIV

(Hair  is Vanishing)



Scotch With Two Drops Of Water


Scotch With Two Drops Of Water

----------------------------------------

 

 


A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
And orders a Scotch with two drops of water. 

 

As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to

celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink

The woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says 'Thank you. 

 

Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, The man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'


'Coming right up' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink,he says

'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies

'Sonny, when you're my age,
You've learned how to hold your liquor....
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

===========================================



    Keep scrolling down.......you're not finished yet!

 


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot!

 


'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy ...
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!


 


'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes
.. Just as long as you don't have to go along.

 


'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down
By the doctor instead of by the police

 


'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
.. In the parking lot.

 
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You are not sure these are jokes!

===============

 

 

 

 



WHOEVER PUT THESE TOGETHER LOVES THE LANGUAGE!


WHOEVER PUT THESE TOGETHER LOVES THE LANGUAGE!

    • Acupuncture: a jab well done.
    •  To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
    • When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
    • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
    • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
    • The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
    • The batteries were given out free of charge.
    • A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
    • A will is a dead giveaway.
    • If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
    • With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
    • Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
    • You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
    • Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
    • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
    • When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
    • Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
    • Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
    • If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
    • A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
    • In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
    • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
    • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
    • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
    • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
    • When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

 

 

 

 

 



Who says men don't remember?


Who says men don't remember?

 

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop.” 

 

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."



MATHEMATICS 101


Mathematics: 
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. 
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint.. and it goes like this:


What Makes 
100%?

What does it mean to give
MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life? 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: 

If: 
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

Is represented as: 
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: 


H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
 
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =
98%

And 


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 

11+14+15+23+ 12+5+4+7+5 = 
96% 

But ,


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =
100% 

And,
 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =
103% 

AND, look how far 
ass kissing will take you. 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while 
Hard workandKnowledge will get you close, and Attitudewill get you there. 
Its the
 Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. 
Now you know why some people are where they are!

 

 



Birds on a "Wireless"!


bird on a wireless



Paraprosdokians


Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, frequently humorous.  Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. 
 But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. 
 Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. 
 To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
 emergency, Notify: I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think theyare sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. 
 You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive.
 Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.